So reads the headline of one of the most profitable direct mail ads in advertising history.
It was written by a brilliant copywriter (who also wrote ads for Rush Limbaugh) named Richard Armstrong. And that ad’s headline and first page are a near-perfect “template” Oregon Republicans can use to win more elections, and that Oregon businesses can also use to make enough money to pay the withering taxes and fees Oregon Democrats will pass if they win.
Before showing how to use it, here’s the direct mail piece’s first page:
“What In The World Is Wrong With Me?”
- “I can’t lose weight no matter how hard I try.”
- “I feel sluggish all the time.”
- “I’m so forgetful. I think I’m losing my mind.”
- “I find myself craving food between meals.”
- “I don’t sleep as well as I used to.”
- “I’m a happy person, but sometimes I feel so blue.”
- “My vision is not as sharp as it used to be.”
- “My mind feels so ‘mushy’ all the time.”
This ad “zeroes in” on symptoms everyone can relate to. People spend hours reading about their symptoms and how to fix them. It’s like the old joke:
“He died doing what he loved: Looking up his symptoms on WebMd.”
And here’s how a politician or business owner can tap into this phenomenon:
1. Take the above headline and bullet points
2. Write a postcard, direct mail letter, email, or social media post (or adapt it to a video) with the same format – and then substitute the symptoms in the ad with what your market is experiencing.
For example, let’s say Christine Drazan wants to use this in her political advertising. She could swap out the above ad’s health symptoms with her voters’ mental/emotional/financial symptoms, like this:
“Why In the World Am I So Frustrated and Angry?”
- “Dirty drug needles & human feces litter parks where my kids play”
- “Constant new taxes & fees stop me from catching up on retirement”
- “Red tape & regulations get me fined for breaking laws I don’t even know exist”
- “Vote-by-mail & propaganda makes me ask what’s the point of even voting?”
- “Teachers & bureaucrats want my son to put on a dress and my daughter to have abortions”
- “Tina & her cronies lie awake at night obsessing over ways to jail me for owning a gun”
- “Illegal aliens & criminals without car insurance drive my rates through the roof”
- “Rapists & murderers have more rights than I do”
After that she could pitch voters to join her email list where she can send them even more reasons to vote for her instead of the crime boss socialist currently running Oregon into the ground.
However, let’s face it.
There’s about as much chance of Christine Drazan using this advice as Tina Kotek sporting a MAGA hat.
But if you’re an Oregon business owner (who hasn’t left the state yet), you can use the same template to sell your products and services just as easily, and just as successfully.
And you can do it just by changing the above ad’s headline and the bulleted “symptoms” to reflect your customers’ and clients’ pains, fears, and frustrations (mental, emotional, and/or physical) your business can help them with.
Ben Settle is an Oregon Eagle co-owner in Gold Beach where he publishes ridiculously high-priced books & newsletters about online marketing, writes twisted horror novels & screenplays, and trades options & invests in companies he thinks are cool. Subscribe to his free email tips at BenSettle.com.